EE: if i’d known you were curious, i would’ve dug out the albums! john’s baby pictures are organized into several large volumes, which i store at an undisclosed location. he doesn’t seem to like it much when i take them out to show guests, but i’m sure he’s just embarrassed about what a well-behaved sweet potato he was as a baby.

EE: as it is, let’s see if i can pick out a good one from the collection i keep in my wallet…

EE: ah! this one is one of my favorites!

EE: the little scamp wobbled a bit out of frame at the last moment, but as you can see, he just loved playing with my hats.

EE: we really liked to play peekaboo, too. i’d put a hat on him and it’d flop right down, and it was lights out! where was daddy?

EE: and i would whip the hat off, and every time he just laughed and laughed, fit to burst!

EE: if i left the hat on too long, he’d flop over and go to sleep, just like a parakeet.

EE: i wonder if that still works…? 

EB: dad, please! oh my god! they do not need to see this! no! not the wallet pictures!

EE: john, your friends asked to see some baby pictures, how could i refuse? i was just telling them how we played peekaboo with my hats

EB: daaaaaaaad!! XO

EB: no more stories! just— no! 

GG: don’t worry john, i’ll go next!

GG: but, um, sorry, i don’t really have many baby pictures or stories or whatever. :(

GG: bec is pretty much the smartest dog, but i guess he didn’t really think to take any pictures? and grandpa was never really into photography….

GG: usually if he wanted to remember something, he’d stuff it and mount it on the wall……..

GG: i don’t remember much from being a baby, but i do remember that i spent most of my time with bec!!

GG: we’d explore all over the island together! which, in retrospect, was probably a reeeeeally dangerous thing to let a baby do, but i know i was always safest when i was with bec.

GG: hehe, he probably let me crawl around so much on purpose, so i’d go to sleep faster!

GG: maybe it’s dumb, since i can’t really remember it, but i think i was a happy baby!! 

BB: okay prepare yourselves for a baby blitzkrieg alright

BB: let me tell you baby dave wasnt some egbertian stroll through the park oh no this infant was the iron man competition in the middle of the carpathian mountains during a typhoon

BB: he had a personal vendetta against furniture and was determined to smash it into splinters using only the softest parts of his stupid fucking skull

BB: any consumption of food was preceded by a mandatory redecorating of the apartment in a fine layer of mashed veggie particulate matter

BB: even at a young age he showed massive talent for being a massive pain in my ass and getting away with it scott free because what was i gonna do he was just a wiggly throw pillow wearing a loaded diaper you cant fight back against that you just have to roll over like a bitch and hope they dont pop awake as soon as you fall asleep and wake the whole building with their otherworldly devilscreeches

BB: god when he was teething the thing he liked best was the neck of an ice cold beer to gum on

BB: hold on i have pics

BB: gonna send em in to corona and live off the royalties

TG: thats pretty much the best picture thats ever been taken of me

TG: shit look at the way the light plays on my fat rolls

TG: glorious

LL: I believe Rose is left?

LL: Well, in contrast, Rose was an extremely quiet and withdrawn baby. She rarely had any troubles that didn’t resolve themselves. She was well-behaved, dignified, and mature, even as an infant.

LL: And also extremely portly.

LL: I accurately documented most of Rose’s holidays as a baby. Halloween, I believe, was her favorite.

LL: I certainly enjoyed picking out her costumes. I think the most successful one was the year that she went as a genius female scientist with impeccable taste in fashion and avant garde house design. 

LL: You can see that, despite the layers fleece and the nice, soft, tailor-made cloth wig, she was in fact quite rotund.

LL: And although she has now bloomed into a slender and developing young woman, Rose will always be mummy’s little butterball. 

TT: Mother, what a heartwarming statement.

TT: Might I beg the favor of a copy of this tenderly preserved photograph, so that I may have it enlarged by several magnitudes and installed in a gilt frame?

LL: Of course, darling. Allow me to pay for it.


72 notes | Reblog
2 years ago

Posted on October 15th at 10:05 PM
Tagged as: windchiming. dad egbert. john egbert. jade harley. Becquerel. Bro Strider. dave strider. mom lalonde. rose lalonde.
  1. spaghettistainedundies reblogged this from askthosedouchebags
  2. trilies reblogged this from askthosedouchebags
  3. urcrookedneighbor reblogged this from budgie-chan
  4. budgie-chan reblogged this from askthosedouchebags
  5. tinksboo reblogged this from askthosedouchebags
  6. princess-doughnut reblogged this from askthosedouchebags and added:
    Dad.. could I fall in love with you even more? I think not. -swoooooon-
  7. jane-sickofyourshit-crocker reblogged this from askthosedouchebags
  8. shoopzig reblogged this from askthosedouchebags and added:
    This is the cutest and BRO, BRO YOU ARE MAKING ME SPIT OUT MY TEA
  9. windchiming reblogged this from askthosedouchebags and added:
    Aww, thanks so much for sharing, guardians (and Jade!). :> The kids were all so adorable as babies. And John, you were...
  10. musicalabyss reblogged this from askthosedouchebags
  11. -plusle reblogged this from askthosedouchebags
  12. indianakanaya reblogged this from askthosedouchebags and added:
    BEST. THING. EVER
  13. here-lies-andy reblogged this from askthosedouchebags
  14. miraclemodus reblogged this from askthosedouchebags and added:
    oh perfect, perfect i love it baby dave baby fat rose football


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